Ratchapong Tankijvorakul. (its a long post i warn you )

I want to try and keep this short but we’ve known each other for too long and memories flood me with emotions so strong it’s hard to hold back my thoughts. 

Our journey started when I was but a 13 year old girl, just starting to form life-long friendships at ACS. I knew you as the guy who performed amazing magic tricks, the boy who could somehow hold fire in his hands. Id stop you along the corridor just to watch you light up your hand. Our friendship developed on the grad night of 07 when su-en (who was a mutual friend) brought us for lunch at the food court at hv. You dared me to mix soup with chilli with soy sauce with garlic with sarsi and drink it for a ten dollar modesto voucher. I did. Probably one of the dumber things I’ve done, seeing I never even used that stupid voucher but then again I never say no to a dare. It was the last day of school and we met again in 2008, year 3, this time as classmates.

We became good friends, especially since we had classes together and we took the same bus home every day. You became one of my best friends and a real brother to me. I remember when you found out about my illness, you never asked too many questions but always offered to carry my books to the busstop when I was tired or in pain. Always teaching me the stuff I had missed out in class when I was away at the hospital. I became your confidant and you became like a sister to me as you told me who your crush was at that time and we went through the prime of our teenage years together. Days in class with you were frustrating as you annoyed me to no end but at the same time, were hilarious. I remember ANUBIS and PARROT, that day ms soh thought i was crazy bcos I just could not stop laughing every time i look up in class after you said she looked like a parrot. You taught me how to draw a parrot without lifting your pen from the paper and I stil draw that picture whenever I’m bored in class. I still remember nehal used to hate you so much because you never missed an opportunity to make fun of her like crazy. actually, you were quite annoying :) but in a good way of course. By the end of the year we were all quite good friends, you nehal and su-en were my bestest friends in school, you guys were the best part about every class, in fact the whole triple science class was lovely. 

Sec 3 brought us into sec 4 with the stress of IGCSE weighing us down. By this time you were practically family. I’d invite you over to study or we’d meet at serene centre cos you hated oldham so much. the number of times we would just meet and do stuff was crazy, so spontaneous. One of us would get into a cab (depends which direction we were going), pick the other up and we were off, it would be that simple. You, me , su-en and bolton lived so close we used to hang out so so much, from the acjc funfair to just chilling at coronation plaza, to serene centre, we never did much but just spending time w each other used to make us so happy. 

My favourite memory that you are probably tired of me quoting is saturday physics classes when we used to go to serene for macs every week, the four of us. One day you guys came over and we even watched that silly coke bottle show. I bet you cant remember, but I remember laughing at how annoyed su-en was at you squashing her on the sofa and bolton lying on the carpet eating chips. Good times, seriously.

You were frustrated being in oldham, moody with your family problems and annoyed with those around you in school, but we stuck through it. You me and nehal started hanging out a lot more and we did so much stupid shit to her, remember when we hacked her acct and changed everything to brushing my teeth tickles, omg that was hil-a-rious. We were so close people asked us if we were dating, but obv we never saw each other in that way we were siblings who faught wayyy too much but were always there for each other nonetheless. You helped me so much in shcool by encouraging me to push myself harder. We spent HOURS on end on the phone studying together virtually, racing who could do math problems first and seeing who could find the most challenging amath problem. we were such nerds. but you were a great help and I thank you for that. i used to help you with lit- remember how it used to frustrate you so much? you were so intent on improving your english, always using crazy vocab words, and RAPPING! haha you made some crazy raps. and remember how much you used to make fun of russell and delia, it was sooo funny! i remember going through the stupid poems with you night after night before igcse and you going through amath w me, we were really there for each other. it was around this time nehal introd you to winnie and that made you happy :) and that made us happy :) and of course that spinned a whole new friendship between me and winnie and nehal of course too. <3

In year 5 we started fighting alot. You didnt just fight with me, but with nehal and winnie. But let me not get started on them since its none of my business. But ofc we somehow always managed to patch things up, which was good. we joined world gourmet club and math club and continued with our crazy times. remember raghu’s class? oh and africa! good times ratch, good times. we still shared with each other private things like problems with our siblings, sisters especially.

after that i left acs, you moved out of oldham, we rarely met, you were always mad at me, ib had consumed all your lives. 

i dont want to say our friendship came to a halt, because it didnt, you are still one of the people most DEER to me. But I cant help but think on all the parts I missed out in the summary of our friendship above. All the times you doubted me, all the times you were mad at me, and accused me of not caring enough, or not even at all. It’s easy to forget it all because your the kind of guy who makes me laugh and laughter seems to cloud out all the bad memories temporarily.

But last night when you accused me of lying to you, on your last night ever in Singapore it just made me realize how pathetic our friendship was. We have been friends for five years. You were like a brother to me, we shared our family problems, were there for each other..remember nehals party sentosa when you got a call from your dad, remember how i sat w you in starbucks til late til you felt better? Remember when you were struggling w getting over her, when you were consumed by hate everyday, remember how we worked it out w nehal. Remember how I followed you one day to parkway on one of our spontaneous trips cos you wanted to give your chi tuition teacher mushrooms or smth and remember buying the transformer necklace and how i danced in front of the machine cos i was so happy to have it and you laughed so hard you threated to tell everyone how dumb i looked dancing in front of a toy machine in an empty mall? Tell me you remember, please. 

And to think that amidst all that, amidst our relationship that has stood the test time, you still doubt the most basic things like- ‘do you even care?” or “you lied to me”. why ratch why.

friends fight. we disagree. many things i do annoy you, i understand that, and mind you many things you do annoy me too. and its normal for us to get angry or annoyed at each other (especially w bad habits like getting annoyed too easily or not replying texts) but just think that despite everything we have been through, just think on how many times you have reached a conclusion that i dont care about you. how many times have hurtful words been used in our conversations where you accuse me of doing things. like the time you accused me of coming over just to borrow your books? ratch i fucking missed you. i just wanted to hang out w you, how could you even think id do something like that? i cant even understand why you would think that?! 

it just hurts so much to think that after everything we’ve been thorough you can still think things like that. is everything else meaningless. when something i do annoys you or you suspect something from me, do you not pause to think of the past 5 years and think to yourself “divya is not like this, divya wouldnt do this to me.” have i not convinced you enough that i do care about? obviously i havent done a good enough job since are so quick to jump to the conclusion that i dont.

on thursday you wanted to go to universal, i knew it meant so much to you. i have exams, but since its your last week i went. it was important to me cos i knew going would be important to you. i fought w my parents. and yet you all you could do the next day was get angry with me for replying your text late cos i was SLEEPING. ok….

i make mistakes, im only human, but in the light of greater things and our friendship in general, cant you look past them? is holding on to anger and pride for small mistakes worth more than our friendship which you are so easily willing to give up everytime you get angry? is our friendship worth so little?

i guess this is something that has been on my mind for a long time and i just needed to express it to you. i doubt youd read it all and more importantly im scared it will make you angry but i really hope it wont because that is not my intention. I dont dare say all this to you face for fear of you getting angry and  i dont want you to leave on that note. i just wanted you to know thats all.

so please, dont get me wrong, i love you very much ratch, and you will always be my DEER sister, nothing can change that because some bonds dont change over time. And i will always remember the good times we had. last night, on the way home, i realised how much ill miss you and i realised winnie was not so foolish for crying after all. I know you’ll be back, but i also know it will not be the same. the chapter of school years for you has closed. 

i will miss you very much ratch, you have taught me that discipline and hard work pays off, you have encouraged me to prioritize my time and to work hard to get what i want. to never settle for second best. im glad i was a part of your years of studying in singapore. i wish you all the best for your years ahead. i hope you have a good break in thailand with your family, and please do remember your promise to email me (before the year is over). take care ratchapong tankijvorakul. ♥, once a sister, always a sister.

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